SC: Hi, I'm about to interview Clarence the basset hound. He's a
6-year old tri-color from BROOD, whose hobbies include harassing O'Malley,
turkey-legging*, barking at strange men, going on walks, sleeping,
jumping up on people whom he likes, drinking from puddles and eating nasty
things off the street.Clarence: Hello there! SC: Now Clarence, how do you feel about men? Clarence: (whines) I'm not too fond of them. We have to engage in an awkward dance wherein I bark a lot, and attempt to sniff them while they're not paying attention, even though I'm attracting attention with my barking. Then, after I've suitably reprimanded them, I'll grudgingly accept them, but only on my terms.
Clarence: I... don't... know! SC: What do you think of walks? Clarence: (barks) I love 'em! SC: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would it be? Clarence: Probably down to the bottom of the hill on Andrew Street. There's this interesting pile of squirrel carcass, and I've just been dying to roll in it again! SC: Are you indeed the softest hound?
Clarence: (growls in irritation) SC: So, I was reading this issue of Time, and in it, it says that Bassets are the smartest dogs in the world. Clarence: Pardon me for a moment. [Barks loudly at neighbor until she flees inside her door] What was that again? SC: Ah... never mind. What are your favorite foods? Clarence: I'd have to say, I really like that canned food that is can-shaped and looks all processed and is slathered in some sort of gelatinous mixture... Oh mama! I'm not too fond of big chunks of beef with liver. Ooh! And I love raw chicken! SC: Mmmmm... salmonellarific! What do you think of O'Malley? Clarence: He's okay, mostly when he's doing an imitation of a bearskin rug. When he's moving around, that's when I get angry at him! Oh yeah, and if he's getting attention and I'm not... well then, look out! I'll Alpha-male him! He has the most delicious things that get stuck to his face though... I just love to lick him! SC: You've earned quite a reputation for your whiny, ingratiating behavior--in fact, you've been reported to have whined for hours on end for no apparent reason. Have you sought professional help for your extreme anxiety and severe panic attacks? Clarence: I've been on anti-anxiety drugs and I've seen a canine shrink... But I'm apparently incurable! I shall be a high-strung drama queen forever! (whine, whine, whine) SC: Um, I have to go now... Clarence: (whine, whine, whine, whine, whine, whine, whine... trails off into distance...) |
